"Re-Potted // Rest Easy" (122719)

I love love. 

Always will always have. 

Too bad, 

she is always rooted in the healing of heartbreak. 

Ying Yang. 

How sad. 

Or is it just the lay of the land? 

Stakes of our hands? 

That in order to love, you have to risk hurt. 

The invisible, intangible kind of misfortune. 

The kind of pain that brings ghosts

in the body of every memory of mine

where I became less than, 

because I was not with them. 

I 

had no means to measure. 

Yet, 

Still deemed my

self 

in it's entirety of skin and soul, whole, 

less valuable than I knew before, 

simply because love had torn 

the pieces of me

I chose to plant inside of other garden homes.

I was looking for root.

They were promising leaf. 

We had moved through our growth.

See the middle of love is all about

Sharing soul in liquid forms, 

saliva molding sweet whispers of velvet healing in between kisses and our mutual sativa mistress 

that we both enjoy to share in space, 

we still know 

nothing can replace-

juice from velvet valleys that hold the dreams of your lover's wildest. 

I 

was grown almost to heaven.

We,

had leaves tall and strong 

lost in intertwining soul and song

within another human's love.   

But

soon 

They were looking for space to re-leaf 

all I saw to give in return was thorn. 

causing

all the vines that we had holding each other 

to up-root 

moving us out of zoomed 

vision 

tunnel was no longer parallel

but we parted well. 

World re-evolving around visions of difference 

seasons changed,

we did too

only farther apart did we move

leaves fell off tree, 

our roots lost bark,

our bodies no longer lit in love, 

and instead stung by spark 

no longer loving the feeling of being within love 

of you

but I'd still planted my seed pitted core

in the dirt and the dust of their soul, 

as we exchanged holy light

We grew love in each other 

and the lessons I learned

in the body of story 

on how I love my lovers' 

and how I learned that

loving my lover

is different than

loving my lover's love 

for me.

and that the later has only to do with reflections of who I see myself to be. 

Loving them was a risk that I took,

when I chose to see their leaves in full bloom. 

I am forever indebted 

to each one of the beings 

that helped me heal the heartaches of lost love 

and helped me see light in myself 

through reflection.

I will always exists with each memory

of the love learned from each lover's leaf home,

and the chest ache of re-potting love. 

In loving memory of every person I've ever shared intimate soulspace with. 

Mood Music: 

"A Message to Women" by Reyna Biddy playing in background. 

* "Unknown - EP Version" by Ravyn Lenae

* "Breakeven" by The Script

* "No Room for Doubt" by Lianne La Havas to close out. (I wrote a poem inspired by this song, like 6 years ago that's somewhere on my Tumblr's poetry page. lolol Younger Cindy would be so surprised, and also, Universed. Much love to me at a younger time, shout out to me, now. Back around full circle.) 

- Cindy Candelario

December 27th, 2019

Draft I, verse 2: 

Different pages in books of 

intimacy understanding

our vibrations started waving frequently, in other frequencies

we were looking inside of each other's homes, 

yet never leaving our own 

just peaking through the eyes of our soul 

trying to heal you because it fueled me to mold 

into someone who loved loving you 

and who loves the thought of being loved back

in the way that I loved that